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Bitch tells of lust thwarted, then fulfilled by trickery and deception. It is delivered by Wolf (also in Foxed, in the manner of an open-air market trader who sells cheap stuff off the back of a lorry – a scoundrel and a charming chancer/entertainer).
The text of Bitch is a rewrite of Dame Sirith and the Weeping Bitch, whipped into shape by my colleague, David Hirst, at Birmingham University’s Drama Department.
(Page 1 of 3)
Hey there, missis, half a mo' -
And you mi darlin' - no, don't go!
Just cop a load o' this!
It isn't every day you hear
A juicy story, is it dear?
- the stuck up little miss!
Come on then, where was I? Ah yes:
There's this bloke in a real mess
And him a very wealthy lad.
He's a clever dick
(Don't it make you sick?)
But this one's got it really bad.
He's fallen for
No common whore
- hang on dear, we're all human -
He's got the itch
- It's really rich! -
For a very married woman.
He racked his brains
And took great pains
To think what to do or to say.
But then without warning
One September morning
The firm sent her husband away.
Our hero doesn't waste a second
'I've got two days at most' he reckonned
'Before her husband's home.'
So he gets into his Sunday best:
His pin-striped trousers nicely pressed,
And gives his hair a comb
He swoons as his lady opens the door
He's just about ready to fall on the floor
- It's all the excitation!
Then right away the silly moo
Says 'Tell me please; what can I do?'
An open invitation!
A blind horse and a cunning young bod
Think a wink is as good as a nod
- I'll bet you all know just what I mean!
he says: 'Look here, don't take offence
If what I say makes little sense
And above all please don't make a scene.'
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me Willy',
She says. It's his name. Well, yes, it's silly,
Or isn't that quite what you meant, love?
'What is it exactly that you've come for?
She adds, 'And what I have to keep mum for.
You look like you're here for the rent, love.
'Come on lad, something's on your mind;
Now out with it and then you'll find
I'm most accommodating.
Providing it's all on the level
What is it? Come on now, you devil,
Don't keep a lady waiting.
You've really got me wondering
Just what it is - this little thing -
Well if ', he says, 'you promise just
To listen, alright, yes, I must,
I'll 'ave to.
'If your old man was at home he'd
Not like it; but then there's no need
To tell 'im..
He'd only get mad.. and he'd do..
You know how long I've fancied you?
Oh hell, I'm..
So now you know. I needn't tell
You any more. I'm waiting. Well?
Can I come in or not?'
She just stood still; she didn't speak
Then ran at him, and with a shriek
Said: 'you can go and rot!'
I'm a respectable married woman
You just drop in, talk nicely, then come and
Make a vulgar suggestion.
You've made sure the coast's clear
'Cos my husband's not here
Let me ask you a question.
Just what was it you had in mind?
A nice affair? Oh that's too kind!
Don't stand there all tongue-tied.
You thought she's on her own and therefore
I know precisely what she'd care for:
A quick bit on the side!
He went all cold. His spirits sank.
He never thought she'd be so frank
And so uncompromising.
'I'm sorry Marge' (yes that's her name)
'It's all my fault; you're not to blame;
But is it so surprising?'
'You didn't seem the type of chap:
I thought you'd have enough on tap
You should have had more gumption.
I never cease to be amazed'
She said - and this was nicely phrased
'At bloody men's presumption.'